Of my time, once upon?

Fairy tale stories are completely outdated nowadays. I mean, you can just use these stories to a five-year old and then give the kid a dosage of Harry Potter that contains real life entertainment once he/she grows up.

Let’s take Sleeping Beauty for instance, we all know the story. An evil witch gatecrashes her “baptism” and then the evil witch gave her a curse. The baby unknowingly gathers this good childhood and then gets prick-y with a pin and then sleeps for years to come. A handsome prince kisses her; the old witch (that should’ve been dead due to old age) is killed by this same prince. And cliché-ing, ‘and they lived happily and ever after’ (or until one of them gets cancer and probably the cancer patient would just end up in a hospital since they can’t pay the bills due to the fact that the stupid fairy godmothers can only give her gifts such as ‘beauty’ or ‘kindness’ or some positive idea that you can’t use when you write your description in you resume.

So here’s the catch. Wouldn’t it be nice if the fairy godmothers just killed the evil witch or fairy? (ganun din naman kasi) The “handsome” prince will eventually kill the witch so why prolong her agony? It is really unfair for the evil witch actually since she had no choice regarding her impending doom. Just because someone is evil, it doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is really evil. Look at Dr. Evil, he’s a bit weevil een err in the end.

How about Cinderella? The story goes about a girl who has no family and who is living with her step-family (I was wrong when I said that she has no family, I mean, you know, family? Like gangstas and clans. Oh, you get my point.) She then meets the usual fairy godmother. She grants her wish to go to the ball. Cinderella forgets a glass slipper because she needs to take a dump at home (kasi namamahay daw si Cindy e.) And then the “handsome” prince whom Cinderella met keeps the slipper (this version of prince has fetish issues) and finds Cindy err Cinderella and then looks for her. Then he finds her. Blah blah blah. Blah.

Here’s the thing that I don’t get with this one. We have a fairy godmother that is capable of magic and such. So, why is it that the godmother didn’t change Cinderella’s physical appearance? The answer is simple, Cinderella is beautiful already. She doesn’t need any physical changes. She just needs self-confidence. The FG (or fairy-god) could’ve just called the female version of the Queer Eye and gave her the right stuff.

I also don’t get the part where the FG gave her a twelve o clock curfew. If the FG can change a mouse or pumpkin to another creature or thing (as this is not acceptable since this doesn’t follow the rule of alchemy) then why can’t the FG give her extra time or she should just have given her other abilities such as tailoring, leatherworking, or blacksmithing (sorry, world of Warcraft reference here). And wtf? Glass slippers? C’mon, doesn’t that abso-effing-lotuly hurt? This Cinderella girl doesn’t have any experiences with a glass slipper and yet, she can dance gracefully while she wears it.

Dash a lot of bull.

(Even Beauty and the Beast, remember that crap? The beast becomes a handsome prince in the end! That’s one hell of an advertising beybe.)

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I know. I know. Most of them weren’t available or existing during the time these were told. Screw you then.

(Fade out: How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. As this is not connected to this post, just wanted to write this one.)