Of old-school tv.

As an avid reader of sinful magazines… Wait, I did say reader and not browser, right? So, that absolves me of the point of buying a lad mag. Yes, I read the articles and yes, they are really helpful. They have tips and tricks and teats errr treats (what has happened to me? Sleazy all of a sudden?)

Ok. Stop with the stupid innuendo… Let’s go forward to why I’m posting this one.

As I’ve said, FHM has an article this month. It is about the Pinoy Tv Classics (subbed with) We Wish Were Still On Air. The list are (I’m not gonna do the usual listing style, I’ll do it in a form of a semi-essay type to save some space. And hey, I shouldn’t explain this one…. Blech)

Iskul Bukol :: John En Marsha :: Chicks To Chicks :: Abangan Ang Susunod Na Kabanata :: Ang Manok Ni San Pedro :: Ober Da Bakod :: Debate With Mare And Pare

Palibhasa Lalake :: Batibot :: Young Love, Sweet Love :: Eh Kasi Babae :: T.O.D.A.S. :: Goin' Bananas :: Ryan Ryan Musikahan :: Kwarta O Kahon :: That's Entertainment :: Sic O' Clock News :: See-true :: Lovingly Yours, Helen :: Katok Mga Misis :: 2+2 :: Superstar :: Student Canteen :: Pinoy Thriller :: Chibugan Na! :: Champoy :: Vilma! :: Loveli-ness :: Penthouse Live :: Seeing Stars With Jo :: Mongolian Barbecue :: Newswatch With Harry Gasser :: Two For The Road :: Cafeteria Aroma :: Not So Late Night With Edu :: Duplex

I’m in a dilemma here. I’m not sure what to write about these. Yeah, these. I mean I can say that I know 26 (or 27) of these TV shows. I can give out some useless trivia like Student Canteen filming in our school, as a vaguely remember or Lovingly Yours, Helen was replaced by her daughter when she died (look up Princess Punzalan and the title, I think, was Bubbly-ing Yours err Lovingly Yours).

I can also say that Iskul, Abangan, Ober, Palibhasa, Goin’, and T.O.D.A.S. for me are kick-ass. I can also say that people whose age is 20 years might just say that they are just familiar with a handful of shows since they can’t really remember if they’ve seen an episode of That’s Entertainment (which I am proud of not watching the show ever. Bring me Tabing Ilog and I’ll dance a tra-la-la dance with glee).

I can say that Loveli-ness, Vilma!, and Superstar are so not for me. I can also say that Ryan Ryan kicks ass and Katok just says “Screeeeaaaammiiinggg Gaaaayyy” (hopefully gay is not a derogatory term.) And yes Giovanni Calvo is with San Pedro right now as Lito Pimentel isn’t. Who can ever forget Batibot that beats Sesame Street, Pin-pin, ATBP, Star Smile Factory, Pen Pen De Sarapen, Eh Kasi Bata, and Uncle Bob’s Lucky 7 Club.

I’m not entirely familiar with See-true, Eh Kasi, 2+2, Penthouse Live, Seeing Stars, Newswatch, Two for, Cafeteria, Not so late, and Duplex. John En Marsha is sooo traditional Filipino. Chicks to Chicks look like it was the local version of Three’s company (we all know Vic and Rosanna and the girl came up with this show at channel 7 too) with all the sexual innuendo (uy.. double innuendo). Debate is simply just kick-ass, a first in national television actually. It is like a valid and social palengke fight (sometimes).

Kwarta is simply dull and good at the same time. I just can’t get over the Roleta ng Yakult. Pinoy Thriller is filled with my “Oh Hinddeee” (this is the right show, right? It’s like Ben David’s voice and y’all. And yeah, Ora Engkantada too. It’s like they are combo. Sweet.) Chibugan Na is just it. Hahaha. I like Kalatog Pinggan better (nandun kasi si Mahal, churi churi).

I’m missing Rene Requestas in Sic O Clock. I miss Kuhol in Mongolian. And sing with me for this one last TV show… “Champoy… Champoy… Galing sa ilong ang champoy.”

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You know what; there are hundred of shows that we can add here. They’ve forgotten a lot I tell you but we may say that these are the first or the best for the genre that they focus on.

Back in the article, Palibhasa started the new style of sitcom. As all sitcoms are using it right now. And maybe that’s the main reason why I’m not watching any sitcoms nowadays. Pare-pareho lang. Maybe if these tv giants can give us sitcoms with real acting, maybe I can come back to local tv. Remember Buddy and Sol and Home Along Da Riles, every week they have a plot. They have a script to follow. No adlibs (I’m unsure of this one). I mean no ad lib in a sense that the director or whoever gives them a topic and then poof… kayo na bahala. Bwahaha.

There were a handful of channels before. And these shows weren’t that much but I can say they are of quality, that’s why they were able to go through the test of time.

And that’s why any given time, you can give me reruns of the adventures of ariel and maverick (and also the problematic show… errr.. you know the title, I can’t remember) or Strangebrew. They were independent. They were, in a way, in quality. (and are they adlibs too? Now, I’m getting contradicting)

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Jologs na jologs na ba ko? Hehehe. Nanay ko kasi hindi daw ako jologs masyado. Porke’t hindi ko nasagot yung carrier single ni Manny Pacquaio hindi na ko jologs. Hmpf.

And omg talaga, I can write more than fifty shows siguro that are on the top of my head na hindi na existing ngayon na hindi kasama sa list.

And channel 5 looks promising again with new local shows and the exodus of PBA.

And why is it that Tv Patrol wasn’t in the list? Is it because that De Castro’s voice is really nakakaantok when he’s delivering the news?

And how about Tatak Pilipino, it was cool. Do you know Gel Relos-santos?

And how about Ready Get Set Go, do you know Panjee Gonzales?

And how about Tropang Trumpo. They rocks I tell you. They were a hit during the nineties. Giving Earl Ignacio the name and even Maoi Roca who has no right to act but they gave him the break anyway (just like Bj Manalo in an afternoon variety show. *shudders*)

And do you remember Jao Mapa’s show in channel 5, Music Bureau?

And why is it that Aguila, Valiente, and Anna Luna not in the list? I can still remember Joan Miller (yung kapatid ni Macy) in Anna Luna. She digs me, I tell you.

And did you know that the E-heads was banned in channel 2 because they didn’t follow the order of Mr. M (or some higher up) as they want to play the song without using their instruments.

And I’m going to stop na. (Isang Tanong, Isang Sagot :: Cristyperminute :: Showbiz Linggo :: Tarajing Potpot :: Kaya Ni Mister, Kaya Ni Misis :: Tondominium :: Mana-mana :: Love Notes :: G-mik : Super Klenk :: Ang Tv :: Pahina… seryoso I’m stopping.)

Bistek!

Of styleness.

I was eating the other day at Chowking in St. Francis and I noticed something. It is as if they had a crash course in training and all of a sudden they were uberly polite. Backtracking the minute I entered the facility, I heard:

Guard: Magandang gabi po sir.

Employee 1: Magandang gabi po sir.

Employee 2: Magandang gabi po sir.

Manager: Magandang gabi po sir.

Wow, there’s an echo inside a small area in St. Francis. It was amusing at first but once you sit there and eat, you’d rather tell yourself, ‘Nag-take out na lang sana ako.’

So, what if this happens? A pope, a dead king, a president, a cardinal, a princess, a monsignor, and a retired basketball player enter the Chowking fastfood resto and they all went there at the same time (let’s say they all came from an imaginary meeting or conference that includes the dead and the living. Much like the Hogwarts universe, wherein the Bloody Baron can rub elbows with Argus Filch and he-who-must-not-be-named Voldiemortie (oh wait… I included his name in here. Cringe. Voldemort, Cringe).

- Manager: Good evening His Holiness Pope Benedict the XVI, His Majesty King Henry VIII, His Excellency President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, His Eminence Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales, His Highness Princess Margriet, Most Reverend Monsignor Soc Villegas, and His Airness Michael Jordan.

- Employee 1: Good evening His Holiness Pope Benedict the XVI, His Majesty King Henry the VIII, His Excellency President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, His Eminence Cardinal Prodencio Rosales, His Eye-ness Princess Margaret, Most Reverend Signor Soc Billegas, and His Airness Michael Jordan.

- Employee 2: Good evening His Oily-ness Pope Benedict the sikstin, His Majesty King Larry the VIII, His Excellency President G Em Ey… and His Airness Michael Jordan.

- Guard: (Whispers to himself, ‘ano daw? Dapat ako din, baka matanggal ako sa trabaho.) Good evening… uhm… ano… His Hairness Michael Jordan.

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It was all gusto with politeness and it wasn’t really irk-y. It was just really weird when they do that. I’m used to the usual buy and ignore scheme (or the not so uberly polite approach). It was more than Starbucks-y in there.

And I do hope I didn’t write anything that might offend any religious sector or any one in particular.

And no curse words in this post that is absolutely good and the effort in finding the right people for the right styles. Yeah, they call these titles styles too. I do hope Wiki is right with these though.

And I already forgot the right spelling for Voldie’s name. It’s Voldemort, right?

Ofh Eh Pee

Here’s something that came across my mind. It’s not really big, really. It is just some stupidity passing through.

We may all say that the Harry Potter series are somehow complete in terms of realities’ discrimination and your usual stereotypes. There was no racial discrimination really since we have the Asian, the African American, and your usual friendly ghost. And there’s no biggie stereotypes too given Albus’ revelation. So we’re all cool here.

Maybe and just maybe she missed one thing, the Dursley’s.

Let’s start with the husband and wife. Why is it that they’re ugly (somehow)? Does it really lead that if a person is ugly it all ends up with a person having an ugly heart? Me don’t think so.

We can say that HP’s parents are beautiful physically and emotionally. So, why is it that way? If ever they trade places with the Dursley’s will there be a change in our views? I just find it unfair that fugly people have the stereotype that they are uber-bad.

Yes, I know you’ll say that there are no two Pettigrew’s in one group. But why? Isn’t it nice if there are two fugly people with two different directions in what they believe in? A fugly good and a fugly bad (hhhmmm… I have to submit these to the Dungeons and Dragons people; we can add these to your usual neutral good and neutrally sexy, like moi.)

I demand a makeover to the Dursley couple. They deserve to be appealing to the eyes despite their unremarkable bad trait (I’m just basing this on the approach of the first books wherein you’ll really hate the couple.)

How about Dudley? Dudley’s appearance is a mere fallacy. Maybe those horizontally-challenged and fugly kids in America are such a-holes but way back here in the Philippines, it usually is not the case. I’ve had a dozen friends who’re horizontally-challenged and nice the same time. More over them are good looking too.

Is it because that Dudley should have that approach of being a horizontally-challenged bully?

I know you’ll just probably say that Gilderoy is beautiful too. (Gilderoy is metrosexual by the way.)

And I have no answer for that one. I’m just talking about the Dursley’s right now.

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I do hope they have their own journal too. I mean the Dursleys.

Vernon’s will always say, “And I said no magic in the house!”

Petunia’s will always say, “Me have a big secret.”

Dudley’s will always say, “Harry is hot!”

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Lame… sorry. Inhuman only.

(tama na yan! Inhuman na!)

Or ey, are you games na?

Who doesn’t want to win a million pesos? Even winning a measly hundred bucks, for sure, will make us giddy the whole day.

Every one knows that gambling is a long shot. If you’re incredibly lucky, then good for you, you can use your luck with it and we’ll forever tell you that “Swerte ka nga sa sugal pero…”

So, let us stick with our strengths meaning let us join game shows instead. And so it can be tell errr told? Telled?

Yeah.

I can probably say I’m a sophomore for the today’s topic and all I can share are tips on how you’ll be, at least, more than par with your co-contestants (at the co-como, eh?) in case you decide to go bold (not daring) and tell the whole world that, “I can do it” (Rob Schneider says: YOU CAN DO IT!).

There are a lot of game shows today and the closest thing to Jeopardy nowadays is PGKNB (or Proctor and Gamble in Katipunan beside the National Bookstore in katipunan also, of course). I’m absolutely sure you wouldn’t say that Wowowee’s questions have the same caliber as PGKNB that would be insulting in a sense. Let us just say that the Sarimanok channel caters to all walks of life.

Me believe it is Procter; it is just read as proctor. I really don’t care actually.

So, it starts with a text message. You text your “raffle coupon” to the game show and wait. No, wait, don’t wait. Don’t get your hopes up. It is much better if you text and forget. It is better if you get surprised. (Here’s a tip: Always text during the first week of the month preferably Mondays.) I guess lady luck is still expected since there are thousands of people who want to join a game show.

Now, a possible text or call will be received and the person in-charge will tell you when you’ll have the initial “exam”. Always remember that they will not adjust with your schedule (ano ka artista? Maarte poide pa). Also, be sure that once you start joining these shows, you are practically (or in a sense) free. The “exam” is pretty easy (naks. Yabang). You just are practically aware of the current events and that’s it. And even though if you went there and took the exam and s**t, it is still possible for you to be removed from the select audience especially if you got a score of 1 or 2 or probably 0.

So, you passed the initial churvae. The last time I went there, the “interview” part was done in the afternoon. The interview is simple, you must have a boom voice and get your balls equipped (or for the ladies out there, inject testosterone. If ever a moustache or a bird este beard grows, shave. But… but… but… you can’t shave the bird, it’s gory-eous. I’m stopping…)

They will also give you instructions on what you should bring on the taping day/s. Tip: Bring bright colored shirts and dresses. Why? Simple, you’ll surely stand out when you watch yourself in TV. And probably tell yourself, “Why the hell am I wearing that stupid shirt?” You just made your first nationwide stupidity, in case. Congratulations.

The organizer or coordinator will inform every one that whoever’s lucky enough to join the actual taping then good for you. If it is not, then it is not your time. Please try again (parang panliligaw lang yan… =)

Then, you wait. The last time I encountered this, it took me less than a week. I think. Basta. It took days only. Again, don’t expect. Your life doesn’t evolve around the game show. Buy your favorite street food and watch your favorite Sexbomb tv show season.

So, somebody texted you, “Congratulations! You have just one 1,000,000 peso. Claim your winning maney at Makikibaka Street, Mandaluyong City! Bring two balid ID’s”.

Obviously, that’s not it. It is usually a call telling you to come to the taping at around 1 in the afternoon. So, what do you need to bring; book, sungka, or an otograp book.

Here’s the great part. The taping usually starts at 4 in the afternoon. So, waiting is a major factor here. It’s waiting under pressure. Just like you’ve waited for your first born, your professional license result, or paying for that needed bottle of water in a twelve item or less grocery cashier with a line as long as the number of people who watched F4’s concert when they went here the first time.

The taping begins. You weren’t called for the 4 pm batch. You watch the whole episode in the sidelines. You, then wait for the next taping that is probably at 7 pm. Then it starts. Then, you weren’t called… again. You wait. Third taping at around 9:30 in the evening. And you still sat there. Waiting. (As one day is equal to three taping day. So, if ever you see a person there who is there for “15” days already then probably he has been there for a minimum of 5 days already) So, what’s the catch? Be ready to sacrifice your leaves and absences in exchange for the thrill and experience of a game show.

Now, you are a lucky person. You were called. Get ready to be ridiculed or bitched or what-not. Be ready for all the green and super green jokes. Just be ready for anything.

And relax. Don’t forget to relax. Always remember that you joined the game because you want to win. So, focus is a key here; listen to the instructions very well (as most Filipinos doesn’t listen or read instructions so much.)

So, that’s it. I won’t give details since the show has been reformatted, again, already. Go on. Try it. Give it a shot. You might be the next millionaire. Good luck to you. And don’t forget my balato.

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So, what’s balato in Engrish?

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I’m sorry if this is long (this is actually on the third MS word page.) Anyhoo, there’s something bad about winning those prizes at those game shows. If you won something from ten thou and up, you have to pay twenty percent of the item or twenty percent will be deducted from your total winnings.

Now, if you’re a poor person and you win a million, you’ll probably get 800K. But that’s not all. You have to give two official identification cards to the person in charge (here’s a tip, how about replaying the time when this person wins the prize. Do you still need an ID?)

And the saddest part? You wait for a month.

Sweet.

Of my time, once upon?

Fairy tale stories are completely outdated nowadays. I mean, you can just use these stories to a five-year old and then give the kid a dosage of Harry Potter that contains real life entertainment once he/she grows up.

Let’s take Sleeping Beauty for instance, we all know the story. An evil witch gatecrashes her “baptism” and then the evil witch gave her a curse. The baby unknowingly gathers this good childhood and then gets prick-y with a pin and then sleeps for years to come. A handsome prince kisses her; the old witch (that should’ve been dead due to old age) is killed by this same prince. And cliché-ing, ‘and they lived happily and ever after’ (or until one of them gets cancer and probably the cancer patient would just end up in a hospital since they can’t pay the bills due to the fact that the stupid fairy godmothers can only give her gifts such as ‘beauty’ or ‘kindness’ or some positive idea that you can’t use when you write your description in you resume.

So here’s the catch. Wouldn’t it be nice if the fairy godmothers just killed the evil witch or fairy? (ganun din naman kasi) The “handsome” prince will eventually kill the witch so why prolong her agony? It is really unfair for the evil witch actually since she had no choice regarding her impending doom. Just because someone is evil, it doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is really evil. Look at Dr. Evil, he’s a bit weevil een err in the end.

How about Cinderella? The story goes about a girl who has no family and who is living with her step-family (I was wrong when I said that she has no family, I mean, you know, family? Like gangstas and clans. Oh, you get my point.) She then meets the usual fairy godmother. She grants her wish to go to the ball. Cinderella forgets a glass slipper because she needs to take a dump at home (kasi namamahay daw si Cindy e.) And then the “handsome” prince whom Cinderella met keeps the slipper (this version of prince has fetish issues) and finds Cindy err Cinderella and then looks for her. Then he finds her. Blah blah blah. Blah.

Here’s the thing that I don’t get with this one. We have a fairy godmother that is capable of magic and such. So, why is it that the godmother didn’t change Cinderella’s physical appearance? The answer is simple, Cinderella is beautiful already. She doesn’t need any physical changes. She just needs self-confidence. The FG (or fairy-god) could’ve just called the female version of the Queer Eye and gave her the right stuff.

I also don’t get the part where the FG gave her a twelve o clock curfew. If the FG can change a mouse or pumpkin to another creature or thing (as this is not acceptable since this doesn’t follow the rule of alchemy) then why can’t the FG give her extra time or she should just have given her other abilities such as tailoring, leatherworking, or blacksmithing (sorry, world of Warcraft reference here). And wtf? Glass slippers? C’mon, doesn’t that abso-effing-lotuly hurt? This Cinderella girl doesn’t have any experiences with a glass slipper and yet, she can dance gracefully while she wears it.

Dash a lot of bull.

(Even Beauty and the Beast, remember that crap? The beast becomes a handsome prince in the end! That’s one hell of an advertising beybe.)

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I know. I know. Most of them weren’t available or existing during the time these were told. Screw you then.

(Fade out: How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. As this is not connected to this post, just wanted to write this one.)